How are we to rear our children?
This is a question of great importance to many Christian parents, as
is evident from the popularity of various seminars on the family. It
is an urgent question for us Reformed parents, because of the Lord's
covenant with us. God is the God of our children, as well as of ourselves,
and saves them by the blood and Spirit of Jesus Christ. God brings them
to spiritual maturity and prepares them for their places and work in
His Kingdom, largely through our rearing. We have taken a vow at their
baptism to carry out the rearing of them in the Word of God, to the
utmost of our power. Especially for us, therefore, it is a burning question,
"How are we to do this?"
The single most important, most practical, and most fruitful way of
rearing our children is that we consciously take God's Parenthood towards
us as our model, and that we deliberately reflect the Fatherhood of
God in all our rearing of our children. As you would expect, the answer
to our question is found in the Bible. But it is not to be looked for
only in the relatively few passages that directly address the subject
of child-raising, passages such as Deuteronomy
6; the book of Proverbs;
Ephesians
6:4; and the like. The answer to our question is given in the Bible
at large - in the entire revelation of God as the Father of His people
and of the manner in which He deals with His children. Just as the secret
of marriage is the reflecting of the union of Christ and the church,
so the secret of Reformed parenthood is the reflecting of the relationship
between God and His family.
God is Father of His people; this is the basic relationship in which
He stands towards us. Although this is more fully revealed in the New
Testament, it was made known already in the Old Testament. When God
was about to redeem Israel from Egypt, He told Moses to say to Pharaoh:
"Thus saith Jehovah, Israel is my son, even my firstborn" (Exodus
4:22). Psalm
103 makes explicit comparison between our fatherly attitude towards
our children and God's attitude towards His children: "Like as a father
pitieth his children, so Jehovah pitieth them that fear him" (v.
13). The New Testament reveals this fully. Not only in the address
of the Lord's Prayer, but also all the way through the Sermon on the
Mount, in Matthew
5-7, Jesus teaches us that God is our Father. Time and again the
New Testament compares the acts of the Heavenly Father and the acts
of us earthly fathers. Luke's account of the Lord's Prayer does this
regarding the answering of the petitions of children: "If ye then, being
evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more
shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?"
(Luke
11:13). Hebrews
12:1-13 compares God's Fatherhood and ours as regards the discipline
or chastisement of children: "If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with
you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?"
(v.
7).
God's Fatherhood is the original Parenthood; ours is derived from His. He
is the original Father in His own Being, in that the First Person of the Blessed
Trinity begets the Second, as eternal Son. He is the original Father in His
relationship in Christ to His people, whom He adopts as children and begets
in His own image. Our parenthood, derived from His, is called to reflect His.
If this is the basic answer to our question, it must be clear that there
is no easy way to rear children. Some have the notion that there is a secret
somewhere, which they may discover in the latest seminar or book and which
they can then apply, quickly and easily, to their children and family life.
It does seem to me that a book on Reformed child-rearing, written from the
point of view that I am proposing, would be helpful. The best that I have
read are Abraham Kuyper's When Thou Sittest in Thine House, Jan Waterink's
Leading Little Ones to Jesus (both of which are out of print), and
Andrew Murray's The Children for Christ. In any case, there is no
easy way. The right way is the difficult way of being like God in our parenthood.
LOVE
Taking God's Fatherhood as the pattern, we will love our children. This is
the heart of Reformed child-rearing - not authority, not discipline, but the
love of our children. In love we bring them forth and receive them from God;
in love we live with them; in love we teach them; in love we discipline them.
For this is the essence of Fatherhood in God. In love God the Father
eternally begets the Divine Son and lives with Him the blessed life
of the Godhead in the Spirit. The Son is in the bosom of the Father
(John
1:18). The Father says of Him, "My beloved Son" (Matthew
3:17). In love God chose, adopted, regenerated, cares for and disciplines
His people, even as it was love that chose Israel and made Israel God's
son. When Moses accounts for Israel's being a special people unto the
Lord, the ultimate cause is: "because Jehovah loved you" (Deuteronomy
7:8). In Romans
8 the comfort of the New Testament children of God is that the beginning,
the end and the in-between of the ways of God towards them is love:
we are persuaded that nothing "shall be able to separate us from the
love of God..." (v.
39).
Loving our children consists of regarding them, yearning towards them, and
setting our affections upon them as delightful and precious; of resolving
to do them good, and not evil; of carrying out this resolve in words and deeds
of blessing; and of establishing a uniquely close bond of friendship with
them.
Our love for them is by no means merely a natural feeling. It is much more
than this; it is a spiritual grace, sought and received of the Holy Spirit.
As regards our natural feelings, we may be, and often are, tempted not to
love our children. We resent them when they come. We feel quite hateful at
times, especially when they are bad or demanding. There may even be a strong
inclination to dislike one of our children. These things grieve the believer
deeply. "What is the matter with me?" he asks himself. "Do I lack the basic
requirement of a Christian father, or mother?" It is important then to remember
that love for our children is not merely a natural feeling, which we either
have or do not have, but a spiritual grace to be asked of God in the Name
of Jesus, who will give us all that we request in that worthy Name.
Significantly, in Titus
2:4 Paul instructs Pastor Titus to have the older women teach
the young women to love their children. The love of mothers for
their children in the church is not merely the admittedly powerful feeling
that is natural to women, but a far more powerful grace that they receive
through the teaching of the Word of God. Related to this is that we
delight in our children, not merely as our own flesh and image, but
as covenant children - God's children, children of the church. This
guards against an essentially selfish upbringing of our children, which
can go wrong in many ways, all ruinous. It also grounds our love, empowering
our love for the long, difficult haul.
We are to love our children in such a way that we show them our love, tell
them our love for them, and surround them with the unmistakable proof of it.
It is exceeding strange that there should be any hesitancy here, in view of
the fact that the gospel is nothing other than the message and assurance to
us from God Himself that He loves us. God makes us to know His love for us;
He tells us again and again, "I love you"; He has given us the proof of it
in the cross of Jesus. Strange though it may seem, there is a hesitancy of
some parents to express their love to their children, whether because they
think that this compromises their authority or because of the still more serious
weakness, that they fear to commit themselves and expose themselves in the
(always dangerous) relationship of love, even with their own children.
Once, after he had preached on the address of the Lord's Prayer, "Our Father
who art in heaven," stressing God's love for us, so that, as the Heidelberg
Catechism assures believers, He will not "deny us what we ask of Him in true
faith" (Q. 120), the pastor was approached by an older woman of the congregation,
herself the mother of children. In tears, she told him that she had never
thought of the Fatherhood of God as love, but only as awesome majesty. It
came out that her own father had never told her that he loved her, had never
held her on his lap and thrown his arms around her, had never showed himself
to her to be anything other than a severe, frightening authority. Naturally
enough, her conception of the Heavenly Father was similar: an awful Sovereign,
hardly to be trusted, certainly not to be embraced, but rather to be feared
with a kind of terror.
On another occasion, at a pastoral visit, an old father in the church expressed,
with obvious sincerity, how much he loved his children. Knowing something
of the family relationship, the pastor asked, "Have you told them of your
love?" The old man admitted that he had not done this. Told that he should
do this, because God does this to His children, he readily agreed, with happy
results.
These, I fear, are not rare exceptions.
Of one thing, our children must never be in any doubt; of one thing, they
must be sure, absolutely sure - our love for them. This is a crucial factor
in the child's spiritual and psychological development. Assurance of the parents'
love for them as covenant children of God gives a sturdy security; a healthy
self-love and sense of worth, in Christ; and a right knowledge of the Father
in heaven. Imagine that God would withhold from us grownups the assurance
of His love. Imagine that He would leave the impression with us that He really
hated us on account of our sinfulness. How miserable, how anxious, we would
be! How destructive this would be for our whole life!
This is no small part of the wickedness of the man or woman, who divorces
his wife or her husband, and forsakes the children. It is an act of hatred
and rejection, not only of the mate, but also of the children - hatred and
rejection that they keenly feel and that will destroy them, unless God graciously
prevents it.
It is especially necessary that we assure, and reassure, our children
of our love, when we discipline them. It is when He disciplines His
children that God must assure us of His love, as Hebrews
12 makes plain. We are tempted to respond to discipline, even though
rightly administered, with weariness and fainting (v.
3), with hands which hang down and feeble knees (v.
12). In the midst of our disciplining, God must say to us, "For
whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he
receiveth" (v.
6). The holy anger and the pain do not indicate any break in the
Divine love. If we need this assurance, why should we suppose that it
is any different with our children?
The father must show love to the children, as well as the
mother. There is a notion that mothers show love and sympathy, but that
fathers are all sternness and authority. This notion is not derived
from Scripture. Psalm
103 ascribes pity for his children to the father: "as a father pitieth
his children" (v.
13). Pity is love; but it is love in the form of tender compassion
for the weak and suffering. If our idea of fatherhood does not include
such tenderness, it is high time to change our idea of fatherhood. As
Father, God pities us.
FRIENDSHIP
Our love for our children must establish friendship between us and them.
This is what we must aim at and work for. This is the effect of the godly
love of believing parents, by the grace of the Holy Spirit. We are and must
be our children's friends. Life in a Reformed home must be friendship.
Within this friendship, all of the rearing must take place - the teaching,
the discipline, even the exercise of parental authority. If there is no friendship,
the teaching, the discipline, and the exercise of authority lose their Christian
character and their power for effective rearing. Only as my child's friend
can I be his teacher, his disciplinarian, and his lord.
This basic truth for child-rearing is learned from God's Fatherhood towards
us. God's love for us establishes the bond of friendship with us - the covenant.
God is our Friend; and He gives us the privilege of being His friends. This
is not incidental; but it is the very essence of our life with God. Within
the covenant, He teaches, disciplines, and is our Sovereign. His teaching,
discipline, and sovereignty are covenantal teaching, discipline,
and sovereignty. Take away the Divine friendship; and the teaching, discipline,
and sovereignty are radically changed. Indeed, they become fruitless.
Just as the covenant of grace with us is established and maintained by God
alone, so the friendship in the home is the responsibility of the parents.
God calls us to see to it that the relationship between us and our children
reflects that between Him and His children. He calls us to guard against a
family-life that is nothing but casual contact, or that is merely a cold,
formal arrangement, or (worst of all) that is an oppressive subjection of
cowering underlings by harsh overlords.
This is the truth portrayed in Psalm
128:3: "Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine
house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table." It is
not an idyllic picture of family-life among the farmer-folk of old Israel;
but it is the teaching that the family-life of the people of God is
to be friendship. This is the "atmosphere" of the home; and the "atmosphere"
of the home is vitally important. Jan Waterink writes:
As a rule, the manner in which the family lives in relation to God
finds expression in the behavior of the child. The family atmosphere is often
a more powerful means to bring lasting impressions to the child's mind than
many talks and nice stories. (Leading Little Ones to Jesus, p. 20)
Waterink refers particularly to the threat to the friendship of parents and
children:
If there is one danger that threatens the very foundations of our
spiritual existence, it is the estrangement between parents and children.
It is really a tragic situation that the older children are more frequently
referred to with complaint than with commendation (p. 96).
The power that creates this friendship is the Word of God. It is the
gospel that creates the covenant between God and us; and it is the gospel
that creates the covenant between believers and their children. Therefore,
it is essential for Reformed child-rearing that the parents raise their
children in a true church that faithfully preaches the pure Word of
God. This is essential for creating the friendship that is the sine
qua non of all rearing. Family life flourishes in the church, as
Psalm
128 indicates, when it goes on to say to the believing husband and
father, concerning the promise of family happiness, "The LORD shall
bless thee out of Zion..." (v.
5).
The friendship between parents and children, thus established, will have
certain characteristics, patterned after the covenant of God. We parents
will give ourselves to our children and will be receptive to them: we
will speak with them, listen to them, and share our life with them.
For this, we will see to it that we have time for them and actually
live with them. Certain evils need to be purged from our lives: mothers
holding jobs outside the home, or jobs in the home that harm the friendship;
fathers not being home when they could and should, on account of a desire
for wealth, or recreation, or even too many church duties; permitting
teenage children to live their entire, nonsleeping life outside the
home; the takeover of the few, precious hours that the family has by
television; putting the little children outside the home at younger
and younger ages. Fundamental to the life of friendship is that we all
be together - the wife as a fruitful vine on the inside (such is the
meaning of Psalm
128:3) of the house (where the husband dwells), and the children
round about the table (where the father is sitting).
Only if we have time for them and live with them can we know them personally,
individually and thoroughly, so as to be able to teach them. Parents
must teach their children the Word of God. God rears His children to
spiritual maturity by teaching them His Word; accordingly, earthly parents
are called to bring up their children "in the nurture and admonition
of the Lord" (Ephesians
6:4). It is not enough that we see to it that pastors teach them
the Bible in the church and that school teachers teach them in the light
of the Bible in good Christian schools; but it is also necessary that
we ourselves teach them. Parents must teach their children the stories
of the Bible; they must read and explain the Bible to the children;
they must go over the catechism with them. But they can and must teach
their children the Word in less formal ways, when the opportunities
arise in the natural life of the family. Their duty is nothing less
than to teach the children to live wisely in the world, in all of life
- to fear the Lord; not to love money; not to envy; to honor the teacher,
even though the child may not like him; to live chastely as regards
sex.
The main truth that parents must teach their children is God's redemption
of them from their sins by the cross of Jesus Christ, the forgiveness of sins
in Jesus' blood, received and enjoyed through believing on Him. Every father
and mother must be able and ready, having perceived the distress of the child
and having carefully drawn out the confession of the sin that burdens the
child, to speak the gospel of grace to the child's troubled heart.
A third characteristic of the friendship between godly parents and their
children is that it is a life of peace. The family-life of God, both
within the Trinity and within the church, is characterized by peace.
This is an outstanding feature of the family-life sketched in Psalm
128. Father, mother and children live together peacefully. Peace
is demanded, when the children are called "olive plants," for olive
plants we are told required a peaceful environment for growth. Parents
must promote peace. They must see to it that there is peace between
husband and wife. The spiritual unity of husband and wife is necessary.
Then, they must live together without fighting. Bickering and tension
between husband and wife destroy the children. Parents must maintain
peace between themselves and their children, as much as possible. Where
there is love for, and friendship with, the children, peace may be expected.
It is kept by good teaching, proper discipline, and mutual forgiveness.
Parents must work for peace in the church. Parents always at war - with
the church, with the pastor, with the elders, with the rest of the congregation
- will reap a bitter harvest in their children. Unnecessary conflicts
in the congregation will take their toll in our young people. Parents
must make every effort to cultivate peace among their children themselves.
They do this by teaching them mutual love; by disciplining them for
hatred and fighting; by warning them against envying each other; by
showing them how to forgive and reconcile; and the like.
If there is to be peace, there must be order. God is a God of decency and
order in His life with His people, as I
Corinthians 14:40 teaches. Therefore, a household of disorder and
uproar is "her huis van Jan Steen," to use a proverbial Dutch
description of a chaotic household, not a house of God.
There must be order in the family-structure itself. Father is head of the
home; mother is in subjection, for God's sake. Disorder here is ruinous to
child-rearing. The danger is not only that mother is a barely disguised rebel,
but also that father neglects to exercise headship. Both father and mother
are the authority in the home, to be honored by the children; and the children
are the subjects, to give honor and obedience. Friendship does not rule out
or undercut the authority of the parents. In the eternal covenant of grace,
God is Friend-Sovereign, and we are friend-servants. In
the covenant of the family, parents are the friends in authority, and
the children are the friends under authority.
There must be order in all the life of the home: rising and going to bed;
time of meals; working six days and resting on the Sabbath; doing school work;
practicing music lessons; learning the catechism; brushing teeth. What saves
this from a harsh, rigid, burdensome, militaristic order is the friendship
which this order serves. Obviously, bringing about this order demands the
time, the energy and the presence of the parents.
When this order is the Law of God ordering the life of the family (and
it must be), the friendship and atmosphere of the home are holy. The
covenant life of the Heavenly Father with His children is a holy life.
"Holiness becometh thine house, O LORD, for ever" (Psalm
93:5). God calls His children to be holy. But He calls them to be
holy, "for I am holy" (Leviticus
11:44, 45). So it must be with us earthly parents. We are to train
our children in holiness, as we ourselves are holy.
Parents must teach their children to be holy. Holiness, not earthly success,
is the great goal we have for them. We strive to reach this end by teaching
them the Law of God. These commandments are the "words" that Jehovah
exhorted Israelite parents to teach diligently to their children, in
Deuteronomy 6:6ff.,
talking of them when they sat in their house, when they walked by the
way, when they lay down, and when they arose. Well may Reformed parents
ask themselves, "How often do we talk with our children about the Law
of God?" But let us be sure that we teach the Law as the expression
of the fear of the LORD and that we teach obedience to the Law as thankful
love to the children's Redeemer. Obedience does not serve only to keep
them out of earthly trouble; nor is it mere conformity to the rules
of the church.
Parents can teach holiness to the children only if their own lives are holy.
I am pleading now, not for perfection, but for integrity. How can we exhort
the children to be holy, or expect them to be holy if we do exhort them, when
our own lives are worldly (this world always comes first and God's world,
second), when our own lives are covetous (our hearts are set on fame, money,
and things), when our own lives are full of the pleasures of the world (night
after night we amuse ourselves with "the unfruitful works of darkness" on
television), when our own lives are drunken (we drink too much in order to
quiet our fears, to drown our sorrows, or to live it up at indecent parties),
when our own lives are lives of hatred (envy, fault-finding, backbiting),
when our own lives profane the Sabbath (our outward keeping of the Lord's
Day is a cold, dead custom, or we easily neglect worship for our own convenience,
or we devote the hours between the services of worship to worldly pleasures)?
Before He told the parents of Israel, "teach them diligently unto thy
children," Jehovah said to the parents themselves, "And these words
... shall be in thine heart" (Deuteronomy
6:6). There is no cheap way to teach holiness. Jesus flayed the
Pharisees, who "bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and lay
them on men's shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with
one of their fingers" (Matthew
23:4). Even the worldly poet saw the fatal weakness of a call to
holiness by the unholy, for in his Hamlet Shakespeare has Ophelia
say to Laertes: "Do not, as some ungracious pastors do, Show me the
steep and thorny way to heaven: Whilst like a puff'd and reckless libertine
Himself the primrose path of dalliance treads, And recks not his own
rede (And heeds not his own counsel)."
The warning of Andrew Murray should be heard: "The greatest danger to Christ's
Church is not infidelity or superstition. It is the spirit of worldliness
in the homes of our Christian people, sacrificing the children to ambition
or society, to the riches or the friendships of the world." (The Children
for Christ, p. 40)
In the interests of the holiness of our children discipline is necessary,
a firm discipline.
DISCIPLINE
Discipline is no enemy of parental love for their children. Rather,
love demands discipline, if this love for children reflects God's love
for His children. The experience of every believer convinces him of
the truth of this, for the Heavenly Father disciplines every one of
His children. Scripture teaches this emphatically. It is the powerful
doctrine of Hebrews
12, not only that the God who loves us also chastises us, but also
that it is exactly His Fatherly love that chastises: "For whom the Lord
loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. If
ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons..." (vv.
6, 7). God's discipline is severe: rebuking, chastising, whipping.
This is the figure; the reality is sickness, poverty, persecution and
death. It was not yet unto blood among the Hebrew Christians, but it
might come to this. Because of the severity of the discipline, the chastised
were discouraged, wearied, fainting, ready to throw in the towel and
quit - their hands hung down and their knees were feeble.
The purpose of God with this discipline is our profit, "that we might
be partakers of his holiness" (v.
10). For the rearing of us, instruction alone is not enough, not
even when the Teacher is God and the teaching, His Word. Our depravity
is so great that chastisement is needed in addition.
Earthly parents must learn from this aspect of Divine Fatherhood. A love
for our children that is lax, that withholds discipline, is not the
love of God for them; in fact, the wisdom of Proverbs says that it is
not love at all: "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that
loveth him chasteneth him betimes" (13:24).
It is not an imaginary danger in our permissive age that there are in
the church children and young people who have everything they desire,
who may do as they please and who are unrestrained, except by some Eli-like
pleading that has no teeth in it.
Parents must start early showing that disobedience to God's Law, including
disrespect for parental authority, is sin, and chastising willful disobedience
to that Law in appropriate ways (a rebuke, a slap on the hand of the
very young, a spanking on the rear of the older child with a stick).
If nothing else motivates parents, let this move them, that without
the holiness produced by discipline also the covenant children shall
not see the Lord (Hebrews
12:14).
It is necessary that our love discipline; it is equally necessary that our
discipline be administered out of love. In the very passage in which
He stresses the urgency of discipline, the Lord points out and warns
against an all too common failure of us parents in the discipline of
our children. Referring to the earthly fathers who corrected us and
to whom we gave reverence, the apostle says, "For they verily for a
few days chastened us after their own pleasure ..." (Hebrews
12:10). This is contrasted with God's chastising us for our
profit. This rings painfully true to the experience of us parents.
How often are not our screams of rebuke and our blows of chastisement
personal rage and displeasure, with no purpose for the child's welfare
whatever.
We are inclined to overlook that in those places where the New Testament
expressly addresses the duty of parents in child-raising, e.g., Ephesians
6:4 and Colossians
3:21. Scripture warns fathers against provoking their children to
wrath. Colossians
3:21 adds, "lest they become discouraged," i.e., broken in spirit.
This evil is the abuse of parental authority - the exercise of authority
cut loose from love, a harsh, selfish exercise of discipline. Many children
are ruined by laxity; I wonder whether as many are not ruined by this
tyrannical, loveless rule. Every disciplinary act must be done by us
parents (and by the Christian school teacher!), consciously, out of
love for the child as a covenant child of God. Every disciplinary act
must be done, consciously, with the purpose that the child be turned
from sin unto holiness. Every time the parent raises his hand in discipline,
he must remember that his hand is the hand of God (cf. the Heidelberg
Catechism, Q. 104).
Concerning this discipline, parents must be patient. Patience is a marvelous
perfection of God in His dealing with us sinners; and it must characterize
us. Our children are sinners; they are bad sinners - no one knows this like
a Reformed believer; we also know whence they came by their sinfulness. Without
becoming tolerant of sin, we must be patient with our sinful children. Thus
also, we will have hope, when at times we do not see the fruit that we desire
in them.
Parents ought never to lose control of themselves in discipline, not even
when the children have sinned grossly. It is possible for us virtually
to destroy our children with rage, with condemnation, with ridicule,
and with beating. We should call to mind our own plea of the Heavenly
Father in Psalm
38:1: "O LORD, rebuke me not in thy wrath: neither chasten me in
thy hot displeasure."
Rebuke must be wisely mixed with praise of the children when they do well.
Some parents refuse to praise or reward their children, as a matter
of principle. This is a mistake. Let God once again be our example:
He praises and rewards His children for doing that which is their duty
and for doing that which He Himself works in them. We all know that
this is a strong incentive to obedience, glad obedience. So it is with
our children. Praise encourages them. How discouraging, if all they
ever hear from us is criticism. God is the best Pedagogue: not for nothing
is the Fifth Commandment the first commandment with promise (cf. Ephesians
6:2).
If we are willing to discipline, we are ready and eager to forgive, when
by the discipline the Holy Spirit has worked repentance in the child. We must
express forgiveness to the child, "God forgives you; and I forgive you." Then,
we must forget about the fault.
Finally, if one of our children, when he grows up shows himself an ungodly
young man, or herself an ungodly young woman who despises and rebels
against our admonition, we must follow the "way of Deuteronomy
21:18-21" with him, or her: "...Then shall his father and his mother
lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the eiders...and they shall
say unto the eiders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious,
he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard. And all
the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt
thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear."
The Israelite parent brought his wicked child to the elders, to be stoned
to death. Today in the church parents are to bring their unruly child
to the elders to be excommunicated out of the church and to be cut off
from the fellowship of the saints, if he does not repent. Never are
Reformed parents in the position that they wring their hands helplessly;
never may they allow the church to be corrupted by unbelieving, lawless
young people.
We love our children as covenant children for God's sake, not at the
expense of God's glory. Our friendship with them is in the Lord Jesus,
not regardless of Him. Not every one of the children of believers is
a covenant child of promise (Romans
9:8). When one's own child by unbelief and unrighteousness denies
Christ, the parent faces the choice: my Christ or my child, and he chooses
Christ. Then Christ sends the sword into our very family "to set a man
at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother...and
a man's foes shall be they of his own household." Whoever, then, "loveth
father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth
son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me" (Matthew
10:34-39). Of course, the resort to church discipline may have as
its happy outcome the child's repentance and salvation; for this the
parent never ceases to hope and to pray.
This is Reformed, biblical child-rearing: love them; live with them in friendship;
discipline them, taking the Fatherhood of God as pattern.
If God's Fatherhood of us cost Him His own Son, we cannot expect our child-rearing
to be easy, painless and cheap.
But it is possible. Good rearing and a good family-life are possible
still today. It is required of all parents who name the Name of Christ.
The possibility is not ourselves, not at all. The possibility is the
blessing of God - sovereign, covenant grace - besought fervently in
prayer for "except the LORD build the house, they labor in vain that
build it" (Psalm
127:1).