REFORMED WITNESS
Volume VII, January 1999, Number 1
Following are the forward and first three chapters of the book:
The Family Foundations Are Shaking
by Rev. Barry Gritters
See more articles by this author
The pillars of our society are crumbling; and if radical changes are not made, our society will fall. The pillars of the church are crumbling. Although the church of Christ will not be destroyed, churches and denominations will fall. The pillars are families-the church as well as the country depends on families. As the families are strong-praying, worshiping, holy, families-the church is a strong, God-honoring, God-blessed church.
Families are in danger. God's truth of marriage and the family is under relentless attack by the devil and the wicked world. Witness: The need for sexual purity is denied except to avoid the dreaded sexually transmitted diseases. Men and women live together outside the marriage bond (not long ago, San Francisco's city council approved registering, live-in lovers, giving them all the privileges of married couples). Condoms are sold on college campuses and the "do-gooders" that give them away are today's heroes. Quick and easy divorce, along with easy remarriage afterwards, is common. The homosexual lifestyle is accepted, condoned, and encouraged, even by many churches. And, families are not together anymore.
(If there is one instrument that the devil in using with a success rate second to none, it is the weapon of television. By what is shown and by how much time is taken away from family fellowship and reading, the devil uses the television to destroy families. Because we love families, we show our colors early and say that we believe the misuse [which is often the only use] of the television and VCR is to blame for a multitude of family troubles.)
As a Reformed church, it is our hope that God will use these brief summaries of sermons to encourage God's people to pray-pray that God will maintain good family life for the preservation of His church and the glory of His name.
Chapter 1
Marriage: God's Good Creation
And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air, and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; (Genesis 2:18-21)
The family is foundational because God made it that way. God created the family in paradise as the first institution He made. To begin our treatment of good family life properly, we must understand the beginnings of family life in creation, especially the first marriage and family.
First, God made Eve out of Adam, and not from the dust, as He created Adam (Gen. 2:7). Therefore, Eve was not independent, not Adam's equal, but was made a helper, and perfectly "fit" for Adam (this is the idea of the word "help-meet" of Genesis 2:18 in the King James Version). What a wonderful creation of God the woman is!
But now, since woman is not man's equal (except in terms of their salvation), we need to guard against thinking that women are lowly, insignificant, inferior creatures. Not so! The long history of the woman being trampled on is not biblically founded! Let every male chauvinist hear this: God said that it was necessary for Adam to have a wife (Gen. 2:18). Remember, too, that also Eve was created in God's image, unlike all other creatures. The woman must be glorified, and her place exalted.
Second, marriage is "leaving father and mother" (Gen. 2:24). Not that children must abandon their parents when they marry, but that they must see marriage now as the most important relationship in their life, even above the parent-child relationship. This is amazing! The tie of flesh and blood takes second chair to the tie God makes in marriage. There are two important implications of this. First, if this is true, parents ought to let children go when they marry. More marriage problems occur either because children do not really leave, or because parents do not release them. Second, if this tie is stronger than the bond between parent and child, people should be even more horrified at a spouse abandoning another spouse, than at parents who abandon an infant in a dump site! How sad that some have become numb to this horror!
Third, in marriage a man "cleaves" to his wife (Gen. 2:24). Cleaving means "clinging to, holding dearly." This refers to a covenant commitment by the husband and wife to each other. They are, as it were, glued together. That's the picture in the biblical word. This also expresses the permanence of marriage. Jesus emphasized this in the New Testament, in answer to the Pharisee's question on divorce: "What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder." If a man and woman are not committed to this kind of permanence in marriage, they may not marry in God's name.
Fourth, marriage is "becoming one flesh" (Gen. 2:24). Marriage is even closer than cleaving to the other; it is two becoming one. Jesus reaffirms this in Matthew 19:6: "Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh." This refers to the sexual union, but we should not limit it to that. Husbands and wives become one in their entire nature - their thinking, hopes, sorrows, joys... What a wonderful, good creation marriage is!
Is this what most television programs teach? That God made marriage? That God brings men their wives? That the woman is a helper, perfectly suited for her husband? That the woman was made in the glorious image of God and ought to be honored for that? That marriage is leaving parents and cleaving permanently to the wife? Rather, it teaches the opposite, leading away from the biblical foundations. Can't you just hear the Old Testament prophet sing, "Rivers of water run down mine eyes, because they keep not thy law" (Ps. 119:136)?
God made marriage. God brought Eve to Adam. God performed the first wedding and established it as a permanent institution among men. Denial of this truth explains why marriage is corrupted so badly today. Also, any kind of evolutionism denies that God created marriage - if not explicitly, then implicitly. And if marriage is not God-made, but man-made, then man may do with it as he pleases, as is being done almost everywhere today. Then Ann Landers, Harvey Rubin, and Sally Jesse Raphael will determine the standards for right and wrong in marriage. Then anything may be done. But marriage is a creation of God. Because it is, we must obey God's regulations for marriage: one man for one woman; sex only for marriage; no divorce, except for fornication, and no remarriage unless death dissolves the bond; the man is the head of the woman, husbands loving their wives, wives submitting to their husbands.
To disobey these regulations is to invite disaster. Shall someone say that because he does not like the ordinance of gravity, he will disobey it... without suffering seriously? So it is with the regulations of God in marriage. No one can disregard them without suffering the most disastrous consequences, as we all know so well.
The only escape from this misery is to look at the Creator of marriage, the Creator of heaven and earth: obedience to Him, following His ways, and finding grace in His Son Jesus, Who came to deliver us from all our misery and destruction, yes, in family life too.
Chapter 2
Marriage: A Beautiful Reflection
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; ...(Ephesians 5:22-31)
Almost everyone today is concerned about good behavior in marriage, because almost everyone, even non-Christians, knows that something must be done about the serious undermining of family life. So everyone is asking, "How do we shore up the foundations of our marriages, so that our society will remain solid?"
Very few, though, are willing to look in the proper places to learn, and few are willing to put the work into marriage that is necessary. God's approach to marriage is not a "Five Easy Steps to a Happy Marriage" that you might find in the Reader's Digest. God's approach to marriage is this: for a successful marriage, you work with all your might that your marriage may reflect the beautiful relationship that exists between Christ and His church (His people). This is the plain teaching of Ephesians 5:22-23.
How many young couples marry, believing that their marriage must be patterned after Christ's marriage to His church? Yet this is the Bible's teaching.
The relationship of marriage as you and I know it - the loving bond between a man and a woman-exists because the relationship between Christ and the church exists. In the mind and will of God, not our marriages are first, but the marriage between Christ and the church was first. Marriage in creation was made as an illustration of, or a mirror of, the marriage between Christ and His church. God wants us to know about that great marriage; so He created earthly marriages as reflections of it.
Ezekiel 16, Hosea 2, The Song of Solomon (a book every married couple ought to read at bedtime), as well as Psalm 45, all point to this truth.
It is important to see that clearly. That's why earthly marriages pass away: they are only pictures of the real marriage! If we see that, it will help us think soberly about our present marriages: they are important, but they are not the end-all and be-all of our life. Also, it will help us endure the loss of a spouse better: we are going to see that spouse again in a far more beautiful relationship than we had on earth! Finally, it will keep from despair those who remain single.
Ephesians 5 points out a number of things about this relationship. Christ is head of the church (see v. 23). He rules over His body, as every head rules over every physical body. For that reason, the church is subject to Christ (see v. 24). This is a willing subjection, a loving subjection. It can be a willing subjection, because Christ loves and saves the church. Verses 25, 26: "Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it." Christ nourishes and cherishes the church (see v. 29). By His life-giving Spirit, He keeps His church alive, consoles Her, embraces Her, and protects Her.
This is why our marriages are what they are!
1.) This is why marriage is a "one flesh" union. Genesis 2 teaches that marriage involves becoming one physically, emotionally, spiritually. Why is this true? Because this is true of Christ and the church. By faith He is one with Her, sharing His joy, telling Her the secrets of His counsel, speaking through the gospel!
2.) This is why marriage is living permanently with the spouse until death! Scripture teaches that marriage is a permanent bond broken only by death. Why? Simply because there is a permanent cleaving of Christ to His church. Even when His people are unfaithful, He always brings them back.
3.) This is why, in marriage, the wife is not the husband's equal. Genesis 2 shows that woman was taken out of the side of man, is his helper, fit for him. Would the church ever dare say that She is Christ's equal? In strength? In glory? In wisdom? In power? Would God's people ever dare claim to have the same duties as Christ, to be shared equally with Him? Nor would the wife who serves Christ.
4.) This is not to say that woman is not a glorious creation. Just the opposite. When God created Eve, He formed her specially with His own perfections. Women are not to be trampled on, not to be ignored, to be treated as nothings. They are glorious creations of God, to be highly honored, respected, esteemed. Why? Again, exactly because God created the church as the beautiful bride of Christ. Just read Psalm 45 once to see the wonderful language describing the beauty, honor, and glory of the church.
We must see this clearly: if we lose sight of the truth that our marriages are to be reflections of Christ's marriage, our behavior in marriage will be all wrong!
Now, since Christ and the church are the standard, we are taught how to behave in marriage:
First, this means that we marry only in the Lord (see I Cor. 7:39). This comes out from the original marriage. The only reason there is a relationship between Christ and the church is that they are united spiritually. For believers, the only union they may make is with one with whom they are spiritually one.
Second, this says something about weddings: they ought to be reverent occasions. Joyful, but reverent. Lately, it seems, the more ridiculous the setting, the more popular the wedding. That ought not to be if our weddings reflect the wedding of Christ and the church.
Third, during marriage, there is guidance and rule of the husband with the wife. There is submission of the wife to the husband, and reverence. Husbands esteem their wives highly, treating them with highest respect: Christ wants His bride to think of herself as a queen! (Do husbands treat their wives in this way?) In marriage there is faithfulness, because Christ is faithful. There is forgiveness; there is self-denial, there are children... All because this is what goes on in the marriage of Christ and His church.
Do the marriages in churches today help the church's witness in the world? In our witnessing, we talk a great deal about Christ's love, Christ's rule, Christ's salvation; about the church's glory, Her holiness, Her submission to Him, Her love for Him. Do our marriages speak as clearly as our tongues?
What a great goal we have in marriage! Husbands, is this the goal you strive to reach: "God, help me to behave toward my wife as Christ does toward His Church"? Wives, is this the goal towards which you reach: "Lord, may my behavior toward him be as the Church is called to behave toward my Christ: submitting, loving, honoring, obeying, helping"?
Ah, how sinful we are! How far short we fall! Let's pray for forgiveness when we fail. Look to Christ, our Husband, for salvation. There we find not only the instruction, but the strength to behave in marriage as we ought to behave.
Chapter 3
The Single Life: Good!
For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. (I Corinthians 7)
To the distress of those to whom God has not led a marriage partner, it often happens in churches that the singles in the congregation are neglected. Very little is said about their good place in the church, about the propriety of their single life. Often they are viewed as misfits because they are not married as are most others in the church. Sometimes this attitude shows when parents are horrified because their son or daughter enters their twenties with no sign of finding someone to marry, or even date.
Part of the reason singles are neglected is the emphasis (the proper emphasis) that Reformed churches place on the family. We ought not minimize the importance of the family; but we ought not so emphasize it that the single life is ignored or scoffed at. Another reason the single life is neglected is the overreaction to the Roman Catholic teaching that the single life is more spiritual and more holy than the married life. Whatever the reason, singles are often neglected by the church.
Add to this that unmarried are often left out of the fellowship of the church, and the result of all this is that the singles become discouraged and tempted to despair over their circumstances.
The testimony of Holy Scripture is that the single life is good. This is the good teaching of I Corinthians 7, where Paul says, "It is good for a man not to touch a woman" (v. 1). That is, it is good for a man not to engage in those practices that belong to the marriage relationship. In other words, it is good not to marry. Paul even goes so far as to say that he wishes that "all men were even as myself" (v.7), meaning unmarried (see I Cor. 9:5 where he says that he was single). Now this does not mean that all must be single; but it does point out that being single is not wrong!
Sometimes God compels a young person to remain single, because He never leads to them a mate. We accept this as God's good will. If a young person chooses not to marry, he may make this choice; but his choice is a good choice only if he has certain gifts. That is, he or she must be qualified for this "good" life. The essential gift required for the single life is the gift of self control, sexual self-control. When Paul says, "I would that all were even as myself," we should not miss the important qualification he adds, "but every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that."
If one does not have this gift, he or she must not remain single, but must seek to be married. Else the danger is that one who remains single, but does not have this gift, burn in his or her sexual lust. "It is better to marry than to burn," Paul said in verse 9. Those who have this gift, male or female, may remain single.
An important question for the single person comes up here: Why would God give this gift to any of His people? Why would He give this ability: to be single without "burning"? Paul's answer is in I Corinthians 7: Because the single life enables a person to serve the Lord to a greater degree than a married person can (see vv. 32-34). Freed from the calling to care for his wife and children, the single man (or woman) can devote his life (time as well as financial resources!) wholly to the service of God. This is not to say that a married man or woman cannot serve God; it is to say that some unmarried (who have the gift) can serve God better. But whoever chooses to remain single, must do so because he/she desires to serve God in single life!
A practical point ought to be made here. Disregarding God's Word in I Corinthians 7 and disregarding the very clear example of bachelor Paul's good ministry, churches sometimes adopt the notion that single men are not to be considered good candidates for the offices of elder and deacon, or that a seminary student must be persuaded to marry before he finishes seminary. As though singles will not be able to serve well in their office unless they have the experience of marriage and family life, some in the church play matchmaker for seminary students, and refuse to place in the office of elder or deacon the single men. That ought not be. Even a casual reading of I Corinthians 7 will show the error of that thinking and practice. The single life is good because the single life is good for the service of Christ's church in the world.
Understanding this, those to whom God has not brought a mate can be comforted and encouraged. Perhaps they feel cheated; perhaps they feel pinned down by their earthly circumstance - they have no mate; everyone else does. Then there is the temptation to rebel and be dissatisfied with their life, perhaps even by seeking to marry one not "in the Lord." But understanding that the single life is good, and that God gives to some the gift of continence, the single adult can be comforted and encouraged: God gave you the gift; God calls you to this life; God is pleased with your position; marriage is not everything! In glory, earthly marriage relationships will be no more. What is of ultimate importance is the heavenly marriage between Christ and His church. You are united to Him in a marriage that will last forever!
Single adults, have you given serious thought to what service of God's kingdom you may be called to? Young men, have you considered the ministry of the gospel, or the high calling of teaching covenant children in the Christian school? Do you aspire to and prepare for service in the offices of the church? Young women, has God also given you the aptitude to teach, so that you could consider giving yourself to Christian education? If you have the gift of continence, you ought to consider remaining single for the sake of these or other services for the kingdom of heaven.
Church of Christ, are there singles among you? Receive them as brothers and sisters in Christ. Do not feel as though you need to begin a separate ministry for them. Include them among you as you would have included Jesus or Paul in your fellowship had they lived among us today.
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