The Key to a Happy Marriage
By Rev. James Slopsema
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For many, marriages has been a bitter disappointment. Expecting to find bliss, they have found marriage to be a frequent source of frustration, anger, bickering and sometimes even fear. Irreconcilable differences, alcoholism, wife abuse, unfaithfulness are just a few of the problems that are common place in marriage today. Small wonder that almost one out of every two marriages in our country is ending in divorce and that many other marriages are in deep trouble. Almost everyone has a close relative or friend who is either divorced or whose marriage is in trouble. Many reading this pamphlet may have a troubled marriage.
There are no easy answers when it comes to solving marital problems. This is certainly the experience of any couple who has seriously faced the problems in their own marriage and have tried to overcome them. Sometimes the problems in marriage seem to be insurmountable so that a couple will be tempted to look to divorce as the only solution.
Husbands and wives need to be assured that there are no problems in marriage that are insurmountable. With the Bible as our guide we must rest assured that with God all things are possible (cf. Matt 19:26) and that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us (Phil 4:13) . In God's power, which reaches us In Jesus Christ we are even able to solve those "impossible" problems that arise .in marriage. No one who belongs to Jesus Christ needs to despair in the face of marital problems. He will find the answers to all his problems in the Bible. And In Jesus Christ his Savior he will find the power to put the solutions of the Bible into practice so that he will have a happy marriage.
THE KEY IS LOVE
It ought to be obvious that the heart of marriages is love. It is love for one another that brings a man and women into marriage and it is love that sustains their marriage. If the love between husband and wife grows cold, their marriage loses its life and often ends in divorce. For that very reason God repeatedly calls husbands to love their wives (and by implication wives to love their husbands). In Ephesians 5:25 husbands are called to love their wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. Here we find the key to a happy marriage. Husband and wife must love each other just as Christ loves His church. When there's that kind of love in a marriage, it will be a happy one. The root of every marital problem is to be found in a failure of husband and wife to love one another as Christ loves His Church.
Much of the love we find in marriage today is a false, imitation love. We all know what an imitation is. An imitation is something that in many ways looks like the real thing but isn't the real thing. It's only a fake, a fraud. In the same way the love that characterizes many marriages today is a fraudulent love. It's a love that in many ways resembles real love. But if put to the test of the Bible, it becomes quite apparent that this love is only a cheap imitation.
This imitation love that characterizes so much of marriage today is an attraction to one's spouse because of what one's spouse can do for him or her. This imitation love is rooted in a basic concern for self. Those who have this imitation love in marriage are basically concerned about themselves. They are concerned with their own needs, their own desires, their own pleasure, their own happiness. They are really not concerned with others; they are concerned with themselves. But then they meet someone of the opposite sex whom they feel is not only able but also willing to meet their needs. This other person can supply their sexual needs. This person will help them achieve their goals in life, will protect them, will provide for them and will make them happy. And so they are attracted to this person and in due time develop a relationship with this person which finally culminates in marriage. To the degree that this characterizes the love between a man and a women whether before or in marriage, to that degree their love for each other is only an imitation.
Certainly this kind of love resembles a true, genuine love because it is a deep attraction for someone else and a desire to share one's life with another. However, it is fraudulent because it is basically a self-centered love, a love that is concerned chiefly about self. The Bible teaches us that genuine love is not selfish. In I Corinthians 13 we find a beautiful chapter devoted to charity or love. In verse 5 we read that love "seeketh not her own". In Luke 6:32-33 Jesus taught. "For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? For sinners also love those that love them. And if ye do good to them that do good to you, what thanks have ye? For sinners also do even the same." The point here is that there is nothing to a love that loves only when there is something to be had in return. This is a false love.
A true, genuine love is altogether different than this in that it is patterned after God's love for His people in Jesus Christ.
There are three elements to God's love for man. First, God's love is not dependent on man's love for Him. Rather, God's love is always first. God loves man even though man hates Him. In fact, God's love creates love for Himself in man's heart. This is certainly what Paul implied in Romans 5:8, "But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us". This. is also the implication of 1 John 4:10, "Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his son to be the propitiation for our sins." And then consider verse 19 of same chapter, "We love him, because he first loved us".
Secondly, God in His love seeks the welfare of man. On account of his sin, man is hopelessly lost. Man is headed for hell and there is nothing he can do to save himself. Yet God in His love saves man in Jesus Christ from certain destruction and brings him to a heavenly glory which he has neither earned nor deserves.
Finally, God in His love is willing to sacrifice for the welfare and salvation of man. For the salvation of man, God was willing even to sacrifice His own Son of the cross. "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoseoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life". (John 3:16)
True love among men, and this applies to the love between a man and woman in marriage, also has these same three elements. This becomes apparent from what Jesus said in the great Sermon on the Mount, "Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you". (Matt 5:43-44)
Notice, that Jesus instructs us to love even our enemies. Our enemies are described as those who hate us, curse us, despitefully use us and persecute us. Without any stretch of the imagination we can say that this enemy is sometimes one's marriage partner. Marriage can get that bad. And our natural response is, "Don't expect me to love you when you don't care for me and mistreat me like that!" But Jesus says to love your spouse anyway. Don't make your love dependent on your spouse first loving you and doing good to you. Love your spouse regardless of whether he loves you. Love your spouse even if he is your enemy. Love your spouse first and by your love encourage him to love you in return. That's genuine love!
Secondly, Jesus indicated how one is to show this love to his spouse. Jesus indicated that one shows his love to others by blessing them that curse him, doing good to them that hate him and praying for those who despitefully use him. This holds true in marriage as well. Husbands and wives truly love each other when they do good to one another, pray for one another and bless one another. In other words, they are not each primarily concerned about their own interests but with the welfare and good of their spouses.
Finally, according to the pattern of Cod's love for man, true love in a marriage makes husband and wife willing to sacrifice for the welfare of one another. One who truly loves his spouse in marriage is willing to sacrifice his desires, his pleasure, his interests, his time, his reputation, if need be even his life for the welfare of his spouse.
Now that we have come to understand the love that a husband and wife are to have for each other in marriage, let's see what a difference this kind of love makes in marriage!
OVERCOMING DIFFERENCES IN LOVE
With this genuine love husbands arid wives will be able to overcome what otherwise may be irreconcilable differences.
No two people are the same. A man and women entering into marriage come from different homes and backgrounds. He comes from a home that does things one way; she comes from a home that does things a different way. It doesn't take long for a husband to realize that his wife doesn't cook like his mother does or for the wife to realize that her husband doesn't think much of some things that were so important in her own home and are still important to her. In addition to this, husband and wife soon find in marriage that both have their own opinions, interests, pet peeves and goals which often conflict with that of their spouse.
And so for marriage to work there must be flexibility and compromise. There must be give and take. Husbands and wives must learn to adjust to each other. In some cases the husband must be willing to surrender to his wife's wishes; or the wife must be willing to do things her husband's way. In other matters, where neither one can conform to the pattern of the other, it is necessary that they find a middle course that both can live with. Ideally, husband and wife should seek to find their own way that is better than what either knew before they entered into marriage.
For this to take place, it is very important that husband and wife have a true, genuine love for each other.
Compromise and adjustment in marriage becomes virtually impossible when a marriage is controlled by an imitation love of selfishness. The husband who loves his wife exactly because she is able to satisfy his needs and desires, is not too inclined to let his wife have her way or to compromise with her. Everything must be his way. And the wife who is basically concerned with her needs, desires and ambitions in life, is also going to insist on having her way. After all, her husband exists basically for her sake. Why should she give in to him? The result of all this is that the differences between husband and wife become irreconcilable. Neither will give in to the other. There is constant fighting and hurting one another. The attraction for each other that once was so strong slowly disappears. They no longer love each other and may well file for divorce on the grounds of "irreconcilable differences". And the root of it all is that their love was only an imitation love.
What a difference a true, genuine love makes. If a marriage is controlled by a love that seeks the welfare of one another and is willing to sacrifice for one another, that marriage has the key to overcoming the difference that arise in it. Then neither partner will insist that everything must be his way. There will be a willingness to give in to the wishes and desires of the other. There will be an ability to compromise, to meet each other halfway. With a true love no problem or difference that arises in marriage is insurmountable.
TOLERATING WEAKNESSES IN LOVE
In a marriage controlled by genuine love, husband and wife will also be able to tolerate the weaknesses of one another.
Everyone has terrible weaknesses and faults. These weaknesses usually aren't too apparent during courtship. During courtship each has a tendency to put his or her best foot forward. When weaknesses do surface, the assumption of many young couples is that they will change these undesirable traits in their beloved once they are married. What a myth that turns out to be! Young married couples find soon enough that it is almost impossible to bring about drastic changes in one another. In fact, instead of disappearing, the weaknesses of one another become more pronounced. And these weaknesses that each brings into marriage tend to limit and hurt the other.
In a marriage controlled by an imitation love of selfishness, these weaknesses tend to become unbearable.
For, first of all, one who loves his spouse because of what he or she can do for him will see no need to correct his faults or prevent his spouse from being hurt by them. Why should he change? Why should he try to correct his faults? Doesn't she exist for his sake? And so without any thought or concern for his spouse, he lets her bear the brunt of all his weaknesses. But woe to her if she allows her weaknesses and frailties to show! And woe to her if she in her weakness limits or hurts or embarrasses him in anyway! That's intolerable! In fact, when marriage is controlled by a selfish love, both husband and wife will be inclined to focus in on and see only the weaknesses of one another. Each one, being caught up in their own self-centered world, will completely fail to see and appreciate the good points of the other. Rather they will focus in on each other's weakness and find the weaknesses of their spouse unbearable. Such a marriage is in deep trouble.
What a difference a genuine love makes in this regard!
Those who, in love, are genuinely concerned with the welfare of their spouses will seek to recognize and control their weaknesses so that they do not repeatedly hurt their spouses through their weaknesses. They will find that they can not simply put away their faults. The weaknesses that characterize each of us are deeply ingrained so that in many cases we are never completely free of them. Everyone has certain weaknesses that he must fight all his life long. But those who genuinely love their spouses will seek to control their weaknesses to avoid hurting, if at all possible, their spouses.
In turn when love is genuine, husbands and wives will bear patiently with the weakness of each other. Being more concerned with the welfare of their spouses than with their own whims and desires, they will tend to bear patiently with the faults of their partners. Instead of tearing each other down, they will rather seek to help each other overcome their weaknesses. They will not focus their attention on the weaknesses of one another but will look beyond these weaknesses to see the strengths each has. This in turn fosters a deep appreciation for one another. Those who have this attitude toward each other in marriage have something going for them! They will have a happy marriage indeed!
ASSUMING IN LOVE ONE'S GOD-GIVEN PLACE IN MARRIAGE
In a marriage controlled by love both husband and wife will also assume their God-given place in marriage. Contrary to popular opinion, marriage is not a democracy with husband and wife each having equal say. This arrangement would work if husband and wife always agreed. But as soon as there is disagreement democracy in marriage fails.
Marriage is an institution of God ordained by God from the beginning of history. God created marriage when He brought Adam and Eve together as one flesh in the garden of Eden (Genesis 2). And God ordained that in marriage the husband is to be the head of the wife. That means that he is to rule his wife and to care for her. In turn, the wife is called by God to submit to the rule of her husband and to be a help to him. In Ephesians 5:22ff we read, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything".
When marriage is controlled by a false love of selfishness this arrangement tends to break down, often to the ruin of the marriage.
The husband who is selfish in his dealings with his wife tends to be a tyrant. He rules his wife with little if any consideration for her needs or wants. He rules his wife and family according to his own selfish whims.
In turn, the wife who is selfish in her dealings with her husband despises the rule of her husband. She will rebel against her husband's rule, either openly and vocally or perhaps underhandedly and sneakily. This rebellion may be occasioned by the tyranny of her husband. But rebel she will. Nor will she be the help to her husband that God calls her to be. She will be a hindrance to him as she seeks to undermine his rule and have her own way in things.
The marriage in which this kind of thing is found is a troubled marriage full of fighting and bitterness.
How different when there is genuine love in a marriage where husband and wife are primarily concerned with the welfare of one another.
In that marriage, the husband is genuinely concerned with his wife's needs and desires as he rules her. In love he recognizes that woman is different from man with different needs and desires. Consequently, he takes the time and effort to acquaint himself with his wife's needs. (How few husbands ever do this.) And these needs of his wife he always takes into consideration. As the head of his wife and family he is the one who must make the decisions. His word is law in the home. But in ruling his wife he always has the welfare of his wife in mind. For that reason things don't always go his way. When it comes to mere matters of preference more often than not the wishes of his wife will prevail.
In turn, the wife who truly loves her husband will desire to be the help God has called and equipped her to be. Realizing that there is nothing that will hinder her husband more than to undermine his rule, she willingly submits to his authority. Oh, she may disagree with him. And she may express her disagreement. She may even rebuke him if he persists in following a course contrary to the Bible. If he insists that she follow a sinful course of life, she must even disobey him. But even then she will not try to undermine him but will be submissive in spirit that she may truly be a help to him.
These are only a few of the differences genuine love for each other makes in a marriage.
Certainly there can be little doubt the key to a happy, lasting marriage is a true, genuine love. Let husband and wife truly love one another and their marriage will be richly blessed.
HOW TO ATTAIN THIS LOVE IN MARRIAGE
To attain and maintain this kind of love in marriage it is necessary first to find a God-fearing partner in marriage.
This will become quite apparent if we bear in mind that only the born-again Christian is able to love in the genuine sense of the word. The ungodly unbeliever is not. The only love that the unbeliever is capable of is an imitation love. At the fall in the beginning of history mankind became horrible twisted and perverted spiritually. So twisted did he become that he is not even able to love in the true sense of the word. All he is capable of is a false, imitation love in which he is attracted to those whom he is convinced will serve his selfish purposes. To love in the true sense of the word as God loves man requires nothing less than a new birth in Jesus Christ. God must come into the heart and in His love work a radical change.
Hence, if we will have a truly happy marriage where there is true love it is necessary that we find a godly partner for marriage. And this is the calling God places before all entering into marriage. Speaking not just of marriage, but certainly of marriage also, the Bible tells us in II Corinthians 6:14, "Be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers". Speaking of those free to remarry after the death of their spouses, the Word of God warns that marriage is to be "only in the Lord". (I Corinthians 7:39)
In a real sense, therefore, the key to a happy marriage begins long before marriage in seeking out a proper marriage partner. All too often young adults are overly concerned with superficial things in selecting a husband or wife. They want a person with good looks, a charming personality and a certain indefinable "sex appeal". However, these and other things that were so important before marriage soon enough lose their charm after a few years of marriage. Then what becomes all important is to have a partner who loves you unselfishly and who in love will stand with you to face life's harsh realties. Let every young man and women seek that kind of marriage partner! Neither is this kind of partner difficult to recognize. He is the young man who is spiritually minded. She is the young woman busily serving her God and others in love and not herself.
For many, however, this advice may be too late. Many have made the mistake of choosing marriage partners who had very little interest in spiritual matters. If they were born-again believers in Jesus Christ, they certainty didn't show it in the way they lived. And now, quite consistent with their unspiritual approach to life, neither are they showing any true love in their marriages. They are completely self-centered, having all the sinful, undesirable characteristics that make for a disastrous marriage.
To those who find themselves with this kind of marriage partner the Bible has the following advice in I Peter 3:1: "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that if any obey not the Word, they also may without the Word be won by the conversation of the wives". This word of God is addressed to wives; it applies equally as well to husbands. What this Word of God is saying is that those who have unbelieving spouses should work for the conversion of their spouses. They must win, if at all possible, their spouses to the Lord. And they are to do this by their own conversation or manner of living. They must in all their dealings with their spouses show a genuine love. The wives must refuse to become rebellious to their tyrannical husbands but instead be submissive. The husbands are to avoid becoming vindictive as they rule their wives, but instead are to rule their wives in all love and kindness. God often will use this to bring conversion and faith to unbelieving spouses.
To attain genuine love in marriage however requires more than husband and wife being born-again believers capable of this love. It also requires that they grow love in this love.
We must remember that even though genuine love beats in the heart of every born-again Christian, this love doesn't always show itself in his life. This is because every true Christian has a sinful nature. Sometime the Bible calls this sinful nature of the Christian his flesh, sometimes the old man of sin. By whatever name it is called, the sinful nature of the Christian is that aspect of his very being which has not yet been changed by the grace of God but is still under the power of sin. This sinful nature has a great deal of influence in the Christian's life. It constantly leads him astray into sin. And it constantly leads him to show an imitation love of selfishness toward others, especially it seems, to the one closest to him, his spouse.
Every Christian couple knows this from many disappointing experiences of the past. Every Christian who has married in the Lord will certainly tell you that his spouse hasn't always dealt with him in genuine love and neither has he done so with his spouse. The experience of every Christian couple is that there is much false, imitation love in their marriage. And for that reason there are many problems in their marriage. In some cases the marriages of committed Christians are even in deep trouble.
Every Christian couple must learn to show to each other the love Christ has put in their heart for each other. They must grow in this love so that more and more they deal with one another in this love.
And this requires the grace of God in Jesus Christ. Nothing less than the irresistible grace of God is sufficient to overcome the power of the Christian's sinful nature with its destructive selfishness. In turn, nothing less than the irresistible grace of God is sufficient to strengthen the true love God has put in his heart that he may live in that love with his spouse.
This grace comes only by a faithful, diligent use of those means which God uses to work His grace in our hearts. The Christian couple receives the grace of God by faithfully attending church where the Word of God is faithfully preached and the sacraments (baptism and Lord's Supper) are properly administered. They receive the grace of God to love one another truly through their own faithful study of the Bible in their home and through their diligent prayers. And when in spiritual trouble, as many couples are, the grace of God reaches them through the help of their pastor, their elders and their fellow saints.
Let every husband and wife fight the temptation to neglect these very important avenues through which God's grace reaches us. To the degree they do, they will be powerless to love one another truly. And their marriages will suffer.
Let every husband and wife make good use of every means of grace God has provided them in the church and their home, that in the riches of grace they may truly love one another and enjoy a rich, satisfying marriage.
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